Thursday, August 23, 2012

The V.N.G. Cometh!

 The V.N.G. Cometh!  

By Thor, Viking National Guard
August 20, 2012

VALHALLA, Conn. -- It is rumored by some in very small circles, very small circles, that Vikings rose up from the bowels of a giant volcano after a night of eating hot wings and malt beverages. Those some, are idiots; yet to most, Vikings (notice the proper noun format) come to mind as a historical race of people raiding and pillaging the weaker folk. Few know the true soul of Vikings. Those few are smart.      
     The bullying nature of Vikings is but a mere myth, a fallacy perpetuated by the fears of those too afraid to embrace awesomeness, ridiculousness and an over-the-top mentality that is the Viking National Guard.
     Who, you may ask? I’ve never heard of them you say? Well, when you stop asking yourself questions and focus your Ritalin-riddled brain to read on for five more minutes, all will become clear.
     The Viking National Guard is a true testament to the way Vikings once lived but honed, machined and battle-ready as a gaming force unlike all others. The VNG is a monster-of-a-force waiting for 4th Edition-era gamers to say anything. It really doesn’t matter what they say, The VNG just wants them to say it, so they can put those younglings and their 16 booster packs and Monster Manual 8 back in place.
     “It’s all about taking back what was rightfully ours!” said co-founder Thor. “We raid and pillage at least one weekend a month and two weeks during the summer. We do this to restore what we created as a people, gaming. In a way, I find it very racist what certain companies have done.”
      But why?
      “Reason -- because the establishment sucks ass. The world is a mess and we just need to raid and pillage it,” said Odin.
     Don’t let the raiding and pillaging mislead you though. Aside from taking steamy upper-deckers in the homes of all ninjas, pirates and lame-ass gamers the VNG stands for a more noble cause.
     “To revolutionize the gaming industry by becoming the single greatest gaming group in the history, present or future of time and space,” said Odin, “that is the VNG charge.”
     But wait, pirates? Ninjas?
     Since March 2002, the fiery Pirates vs. Ninjas meme has become an inspiration to the Viking National Guard.  The site was the hot sauce that sparked the volcano’s ass so to speak; a parody of all things ridiculous.  Just like a corporate takeover of a gaming industry, let loose on the tracks, with no way to slow down.
     Until now.
     “Totally over the top, totally awesome,” said Odin.
      In addition to a strong devotion to being ridiculously and awesome, the VNG cause is about, “girls, mad girls,” said Jörmungandr, a founding member of the VNG. It was hard to get anything more out of  Jörmungandr since he was busy burning down an orphanage of  2nd generation Steam Punk babies. He did however continue to say, he would like the VNG to become, “the most dominant RPG group at Cons.”
     In a way, the VNG has done so and if you don’t believe me just ask the Burglar.
     Pearls Loki, pearls.
     So before I lose my journalistic integrity let me get back to the topic at hand. The VNG has already changed lives at cons.  If you see this Benjamin Trefz  at any con within the future ask him about a certain Pathfinder game in 2010, where the VNG showed him, “what for.” Better yet ask him now via his Twitter account. May you forever be schooled in the ways of the VNG, young pathfinder.
     Regardless, the VNG has made its mark, they have staked their claim and they are sailing to the New World.  The question is what will you do when confronted?
     Join the cause? Do so, and you will see VNG make Gygax and Arneson look like Bert and Ernie with Down’s syndrome.  Defy the movement and know that you stand in the way only to get rolled. You may become the VNGs next building to burn, vessel to raid or crop to pillage.  So if you see the standard standing tall, recognize you are in the presence of a social movement; a gaming paragon that seeks you only to stand up to the filth and enjoy gaming for what it was designed for. It is not about a ledger of black and red, or a pastime turned for profit, but about being ridiculous and awesome, together. 

Monday, August 9, 2010

Meet the Guard Part 1

Bear and Trip, just bein' dudes.


Welcome to the home of the Viking National Guard!